Only John
by SlightObsessionnn
Summary: A Johnlock fanfic. After the death of Mary, Sherlock tries to figure out everything, the way he feels, John and the baby. He accepts how he feels, but will he admit it out loud? Its a confusing time for the pair, and on top of that, they have to look after the baby. Oneshot.


**_A/N: Hey guys! This is my first Johnlock fanfic so please go easy :p_**

**_I hope you liked the plot and the way it's written from Sherlock's POV._**

* * *

Only John

Ever since (I) Sherlock had met John, he has always intrigued me. The military haircut, his background, even his sister intrigued me. It was odd, I had never felt this flux of emotions towards one person before, let alone a man, this man John Watson.

John Watson. The man who I would do anything for, the man I died for, the man I killed for. Who would have known this time 5 years ago I would feel these…emotions.

Emotions. They have confused me greatly, in all my 33 years of John Watson free life, I had managed to block emotions from system, but then this man entered my life and created a whirlwind of emotions and now, 5 years later, I still struggle daily with my emotions on a day to day basis, especially since Mary died.

At the birth of their baby, Mary Watson had passed away. I had been waiting outside the room, a darkening feeling developing in the lower pit of my stomach. My head rested upon my pyramid formed hands. Something was wrong, I had heard a baby cry but John had not appeared with the baby. I wanted to go into the room, but I knew it wasn't my place. Time was ticking away, I hadn't kept note of the time but I assumed it had been a few hours. I was about to make my way into the room, not caring about 'social morals' when the door opened. I looked up at John who was pale as a sheet, his hair was ruffled, as if he had been running his hands through it. I immediately deduced him;

Red eyes-he had been crying. Not too sure whether it was out of happiness' or sadness.

He has blood on his rubber gloved hands-either from the baby or something went wrong.

His expression was grim-something wrong.

Pale face-loss of colour.

I heard a cry of a baby, it's not the baby, Mary. Something was wrong with Mary.

''John…'' I shook my head, asking the silent question.

I heard a muffled sob, he hung his head-shaking it, answering my question.

No, not Mary, after all they had been through.

He turned around and went back into the room, I followed suit, retrieving a body suit and gloves. I moved forwards towards Mary, she looked peaceful on the bed, the baby in a cot by her side.

John had gone over to the newly born and smiled through his tears. He looked over to Mary and started sobbing, his body started to convulse, before any of the doctors could react, I knew he was about to faint so I rushed forwards and caught him. The next few hours were a blur, I remember taking John and the baby back to 221b, the only words he had muttered were 'I don't want to go back there.' So I assumed he meant back to his house.

We soon arrived back to Baker street when I told him I needed to go somewhere. I told the cabbie John's address and we got there after 20 minutes. I had previously made a key for his house soon after I arrived back from killing off Moriarty's men, (don't get me started on 'did you miss me?'). I paid the cab driver and let myself in. Warmth greeted me as I stepped in. Their house always felt welcome, something I was not accustom to. I took off my shoes and went upstairs, packing John a suitcase and another for the baby. They had previously found out what the gender was so clothes had already been picked out. I folded them neatly into a duffle bag I had found in the wardrobe, along with appliances for the baby and toys to keep her entertained. An hour later and I had hailed a cab and was on my way back to Baker Street.

I let myself in and dumped the suitcase, duffle bag and wash bag in the hallway, I needed to let Mrs Hudson know of the situation. I went over to her door and knocked, waiting for a 'come in.'

''What is it Sherlock?'' her face concerned as she saw mine.

''It's…about John and Mary.''

I sat down and she started making herself a tea, ''oh is everything okay? How's the baby? I bet she is beautiful.'' She smoothed down her red top.

I just gave her my fake smile and proceeded, ''everything is not okay. Mary…died while giving birth I presume. John and the baby are upstairs and I think he is going to stay for some time. I just wanted to let you know Mrs Hudson.''

Mrs Hudson had to sit down, she shook her head, ''oh I'm sorry Sherlock. If you ever need anything or help with the baby, just ask.''

I frowned, there was something actually, ''now that Mary is no longer around, I don't know how the baby will be fed…'' I left it on a trail, feeling uncomfortable at the next words I should have said.

''right, well, I will go to the supermarket and by some formula for you, you will also need nappies. Did you get any?'' she asked me.

Nappies? NAPPIES, I knew I had forgotten something. ''yes, please Mrs Hudson.'' I turned around and proceeded to leave, telling her I would pay her back at a later date.

I grabbed the bags and went on upstairs, dropping the bags into the front room, where John was sitting on his armchair, the baby asleep in her (what I assume) travel cot near my arm chair. John didn't even acknowledge my presence as I walked into the room. I took of my blue scarf and overcoat and hung them over a chair in the kitchen.

''John?'' I said as I sat down in my armchair.

He just looked up from his fixed point.

''I bought some of your stuff round, it's in the bags.'' I pointed over to the bags with my head. I sucked in some breath and looked around me, I found this situation awkward yet sad, I had come to like Mary and she had been my friend, but for the moment, I couldn't wallow in pity, that was John's job, and I just needed to be (in his words) his best friend at the moment. John nodded in response and went back to his thinking space. It would have been crude to ask him what he was thinking about.

I looked down at the new born sleeping form; already she had many features in resemblance of Mary. I couldn't even deduce how John felt looking as his now motherless child. A foul smell started to waft up from the child,

No. she couldn't have.

I inwardly groaned and looked over at John to see if he could smell it. His eyes were now filling up and he rose out of his seat. I thought he was going to take care of the baby but he just picked up his things and took them upstairs. I frowned and looked back at the now stirring baby. I picked up my laptop from the table beside me and searched 'how to change a nappy.' Trivial of me, yes, but there was never a need for me to know this.

Storing the necessary information, I put the laptop back in its place and proceeded on with changing the child's nappy. Luckily, John had left the duffle bag while her things in it opposite me. I got out the needed items and started, forgetting I had no nappies for the young infant. She was a good baby, (as babies go?) and fell back to sleep while we waited the fifteen minutes for Mrs Hudson to come back.

When she arrived, she didn't say anything, just left the shopping bag on the kitchen table and bided goodnight. I hadn't realised what the time was, I looked at my phone and it was nearing 11. I got out the nappy and remembered how to put the infant in it, being gentle as I possibly could and set her back into her traveling cot.

After two weeks, John had still not interacted with his baby, I still yet to know the name of her. Mary's funeral had been three days ago and, John, my-self and the baby had attended. Not many people attended, it was a small affair. I had wanted to approach John on many occasions about the whole situation, the name, how he was feeling and the baby. For it was I who had been looking after the baby, feeding her, changing, getting up at night (not that I slept anyways), and even somehow bathing her. I didn't want to do these things, but she couldn't do these things for herself, it should be John.

Most days, John had spent it in his bedroom, I would often here muffled sobs. I bought him up tea and food, he needed to eat. Luckily there had been no cases so I could look after the baby and John. A couple of days ago, Mrs Hudson came up and made me and herself a cup of tea, we talked about the baby, she cooed over her and she told me something, something that had hit me.

I knew John had taken my death hard, but harder than I thought. She told me what he was like, apparently he was worse. He had stayed here for a couple of months after my fall. She knew he wasn't eating, so she would bring him up food that she had cooked. Every day she would find him in my arm chair, knees up to his chest and his hands which were always holding my scarf, resting on top of his knees. Every evening, she would come back up to check on him, and he hadn't moved. The food would still be sitting where she had left it. Sometimes, she would find him in the same clothes the next morning, telling her that he had fallen asleep there.

One day, she just had woken up and was preparing a meal for John when she head a running down the steps, and a red looking John bursting in the door,

''Mrs Hudson, have you seen his scarf?'' his eyes scanned the room.

She shook her head, ''I haven't. I thought you had it?'' she asked.

He shook his head as his gaunt face fell and turned around slowly.

She later went to take up his meal, to find the place empty. She frowned and called out John's name when she spotted a letter on the table. All that was on the letter was 'goodbye'.

So he had left when Mycroft had fetched my scarf. My soul had started to crush when she had told me this, a part of me went when I faked my death. Leaving John was hard for me, I was confused about how I felt for him, but over the two years, I had figured it out, but him being 'not gay' put me off, even more when I realised he had Mary. I was not use to having to share John, but Mary also grew on me and I knew she was good for him.

Looking after the baby was a weird experience for me. Never did I think I would look after a human being so small. Children never really interested me, I knew I would never have them anyway. Every day was a challenge, but I loved a challenge. Never did I think I would care for someone so small, yet with every new morn, it was harder to accept that she was not in any way related to me. Who knew Sherlock Holmes was capable was such emotions? I didn't.

I was holding the sleeping form in my arms when John came down the stairs and sat on the sofa, I took my opportunity and took advantage of the silence.

''John?'' I said quietly, not wanting to awaken the young one.

John's head snapped in my direction, he had become a very inwards person, he didn't eat and his face was gaunt. elf

I frowned and got up awkwardly and walked over to him, the baby in my arms. He had to hold her, he had not held her since the night they came back from the hospital.

''John you need too…''

John shook his head and looked away. I used my height against him and made myself looking more intimidating, as a man could whilst holding a baby. I got the child close to her father and he looked at her. Tears started to fall as he took her from my arms. I went and sat back down and watched as he interacted with her. I could see the love on his face as she woke up and stared at her dad.

''Annie.'' Is the only word he spoke.

''Pardon?'' I frowned.

''Annie Scott Watson. That's her name.'' John said.

I felt something shift inside me as the name 'Scott' was said. It was part of my name. My mind flew back to that day months and months back where I had told him that my full name was a girl's name. My intention was to tell him something completely different, but I couldn't. Im glad. Even though it was meant to be the last time I saw him, it would have been unfair to put that on his shoulders, but in those 4 minutes of exile, I had regretted not telling him, but as I was called back, im glad I hadn't.

''Im sorry Sherlock. I am so sorry. You shouldn't of been taking care of her for the past couple of weeks. It wasn't your duty too. I failed as a dad. i should of taken care of her, but it was to much. She looks…she looks exactly like…'' he trailed off as he held back, he just looked down in admiration at Annie.

I shook my head and smiled smally at the scene in front of me. My heart, the place I felt familiar but strange emotions, felt heavy. A sense of pride swam through me as John I knew John was going to become the dad he was always meant to be.

And that is exactly what happened.

John moved back into 221B and sold the house. It was nice to have the company again. There were also some bad sides, my feelings, my confusing feelings had started to grow again, and no matter how hard I tried to suppress them, they would return with a vengeance.

_*Bored, that was all I ever was lately. There had been no cases, no murders, not even one silly little robbery in which me and John could go look at, not that John could go with me anyways.. It wasn't fair. _

_I got out my phone and decided to text John, seeing when he would get back-not that it would make a difference to my boredom. I was currently baby sitting a three year old Annie and he was out on a date._

_'John. Im bored._

_SH' I sent._

_Almost immediately, I got a reply. Strange, he never usually answered his phone so quickly on a date._

_'if you're bored. Do something. Just don't shoot the wall!_

_JW' _

_I looked over to the yellow face I had painted on the wall, too late John. Too late,so I told him that._

_'Eurgh! Great, just add to the rent then Sherlock._

_JW'_

_I was about to apologise to him, but why should i? he knows what I do if I get bored. He shouldn't have left me. I rolled my eyes and got up to make myself a cup of coffee, but there was no milk. _

_'John, why do we have no milk? Go get some milk?_

_SH' he always gets the milk._

_' didn't get the shopping. I had an argument with the chip and pin machine…_

_JW'_

_'You had an argument with the pin machine?'_

_SH.' I raised my eyebrow as I sent the text. Of course he had an argument with it. His simple mind probably couldn't cope with the technology or something._

_'Yes._

_JW.' _

_'Really John?_

_A thirsty milk needing SH.'_

_'Well you have done nothing! You've probably not even moved since I left!_

_JW.'_

_Of course he would assume I have done nothing._

_'Im thinking._

_SH.' What else would I be doing? I flopped back on to the sofa and stared around the space until my phone went off._

_'You're either thinking, shooting walls or dragging me out. Cant you do something else for once?_

_JW'_

_What? Why would I want to do anything else? he wouldn't want to play cluedo with me if he was here, apparently it's impossible for the victim to do it to themselves. I used deduction, it's the only logical reason! I hardly sleep or eat, and I had already hacked his blog. _

_'No John._

_SH.'_

_'Don't expect me home anytime soon Sherlock. I need more space away from you, tell Annie I would be back in the morning._

_JW.'_

_I sighed, this is what he always does. Run away from confrontation between us._

_'You always need 'space' John._

_SH.'_

_'You always need silence Sherlock._

_JW.'_

_Of course I need silence to think! 'It's because you're distracting._

_SH.'_

_It wasn't for another five minutes before he replied, I know I had upset him, 'im distracting?! You text me to take a pen out og your jacket whilst you was wearing it! Even your brother texts me!_

_JW.'_

_John, tut tut, wrong use of an apostrophe and an exclamation mark together. _

_'What Mycroft gets up to is none of my concern. I can't help it if he texts you. I was thinking john. Mind palace._

_SH.'_

_'You didn't even notice I had gone out! Eurgh he is your brother! He has nothing to do with me._

_JW.' _

_Again john, too many exclamation points. _

_'That's not my fault! I was still talking to you. Just tell Mycroft that._

_SH.'_

_'It's entirely your fault. Wow. It wouldn't matter if I had told him, he is related to you, he'd only say its not his concern._

_JW.'_

_How was this my fault? I screwed up my face as I made my reply;_

_'John don't blame your incompetence on me! And of course he is related to me._

_SH.'_

_'My incompetence? MY INCOMEPTENECE? _

_There is just no getting through to you. You just see yourself as the high and mighty Sherlock Holmes!_

_JW.'_

_High and mighty. I don't think that at all! _

_'it's because I am SHERLOCK HOLMES. Who else do you expect?_

_SH.' I started to feel frustration bubbling up inside me so I grabbed my gun and shot the wall. _

_'Sherlock, I know you just shot the wall. Don't do it again. Well at least I know about the solar system._

_JW.'_

_I frowned, I had already told him that I didn't need to know about that, much more important things I needed to store._

_'It's not needed in my mind palace John. Only important things go up there. That is not important for me to know john. If I want to shoot the wall, I can. _

_BORED._

_SH.'_

_'GO DO THE SHOPPING THEN!_

_JW.'_

_Fine john, fine. You win. But I wont let you think you have won till much later- since you're going to be home much later. I rolled my eyes and went over to his laptop on the desk and got up the search engine. I wasn't going to go out, I would just order it online. _

_'NO!_

_SH.'_

_It was not 30 minutes later and I still had no reply off him, I had even finished the shopping and expected it here soon. So I texted him again._

_'John, answer your texts._

_SH.'_

_'I JUST DID!_

_JW.'_

_'God john, you are so unreliable sometimes._

_SH.'_

_I got up from the chair and sat back into my previous spot, waiting for the shopping's arrival when my phone went off._

_' I AM NOT UNRELAIBLE! I just refuse to come home straight away because you need a pen taking out of your pocket._

_JW.'_

_When did I ever mention the pen?_

_'I got the damn pen John. Come home. _

_Please?_

_SH.' He knows I never say please. I pulled a straight face and sent the text._

_'No._

_You crashed my date. I need to make it up to sarah. You're not the top of my priorities right now Sherlock!_

_JW.'_

_I shook my head, that 'date' was part of the investigation. I started to feel bad, and I knew I had to apologise to him, but im not good with them. Hopefully he will get what im trying to say. _

_'John…please…im…_

_SH.'_

_That should do it._

_'You're what Sherlock? Too lazy to get your own laptop?_

_JW.'_

_I was just about to reply when the doorbell rung, I knew immediately it was the shopping so I went downstairs, told him to hurry up as his wife was going into labour and emptied everything into its needed place before replying to John._

_I knew I had to say the word. _

_'Im…sorry John._

_SH.' There. I said it. _

_'Nice try Sherlock! You don't feel emotions, remember? I'll see you in the morning Sherlock!_

_JW.'_

_Morning? what does he mean morning?_

_'Please John._

_SH.'_

_He had still not replied 30 minutes later, I sighed and opened up my inbox to send another text._

_'JOHN im sorry. _

_You know me john. Just come home, I've done the shopping._

_SH.'_

_I immediately got a reply back;_

_'No actually. I don't. I've only known you for a couple of months._

_I need to make it up to Sarah. Blame yourself._

_JW.'_

_I swore under my breath and replied back with;_

_'fine John. Go. Go to your Sarah and do your blog._

_SH.'_

_'I will! Jealous? My blog has more readers than your website._

_JW.'_

_Jealous, why would I be jealous? _

_'No I am not je-. My site is needed for others. For gods sake John._

_SH.'_

_'haha of course. That's why you got so touchy when I blogged about your arrogance._

_JW.'_

_'I. Am. Not. Arrogant._

_SH.'_

_'Yes. You. Are._

_JW.'_

_For god's sake John. _

_'No. John just get home._

_SH.'_

_'No, Sherlock. You don't get to tell me what to do._

_JW.'_

_I shook my head and replied, _

_'john this fighting it idiotic. Just come home._

_SH.'_

_'It's because of your arrogance that I am not coming home._

_JW.'_

_What arrogance?_

_'Jooohhnnnn._

_SH.'_

_'Don't whine Sherlock. It's not attractive._

_JW.'_

_Attractive? Why use that words out of all the words? Attractive? Hmm…_

_'attractive, what do you mean, attractive?_

_SH.'_

_'I mean it's not attractive. God you can be so stupid sometimes._

_JW.'_

_Me? Stupid? I shook my head._

_'why use the word 'attractive' though John? There were other words you could of used._

_SH.'_

_'Oh im sorry, you're whinging like we're friends. I didn't realise I couldn't make a comment…_

_JW.'_

_He still hasn't answered the question…and what? Friends?_

_'like we were what?_

_SH.'_

_'eurgh nevermind Sherlock._

_JW.'_

_'friends. You said friends._

_SH.' He defiantly said friends. _

_'im well aware of what I said._

_JW.'_

_But what did you mean John?_

_'what did you mean by it though?_

_SH.'_

_'You tell me. You're the one who can tell someone's single life story just by a single look. _

_JW.'_

_'I know that obviously. You thought we were friends?_

_SH.'_

_'You tell me Sherlock._

_JW.'_

_EURGH WHAT DO I DO?_

_'For god's sake John, you're so difficult. Just come home!_

_SH.'_

_'I'm difficult?! No._

_JW.'_

_' come on John…_

_SH.'_

_'hmm…let me think about that…okay I thought about it. _

_No._

_Jw.'_

_This is what I meant john…difficult._

_'john, please. Why are you so angry with me?_

_SH.'_

_'No. hmm let me see. You crashed my date. You shoot the wall. You treat me like a slave. _

_Work it out Sherlock._

_JW.'_

_I crashed his date for a reason! And the wall doesn't mind whether I shoot it or not! And I don't not treat him like a slave._

_'I saved your life!_

_SH.'_

_'and I saved yours Sherlock…_

_JW.'_

_I don't get why he is so angry at me!_

_'John you never stay this mad at me!_

_SH.'_

_What has gotten into him?_

_'you don't usually treat me like a child!_

_JW.'_

_A child?_

_'I am not treating you like a child._

_SH.'_

_'telling me to get home. Yes you are._

_JW.'_

_I sighed and ran my hands down my face, do I tell him the real reason?_

_'Its because i…_

_SH.'_

_'save it._

_Im busy._

_JW.'_

_Goddamn it, looks like I will have too._

_'I miss you John! Eurgh._

_SH.'_

_There. I said it._

_'you're just trying to get me to come home so you can use my phone or something._

_JW.'_

_No!_

_'John Im not lying._

_SH.'_

_'Yes you are._

_Im on my way home anyways. Sarah's sofa isn't comfy._

_JW.'_

_Great. I smiled and got up to make some coffee, I knew he wouldn't be long._

_'no sugar in your coffee. I remembered._

_SH.'_

_'that or you asked Mrs Hudson._

_JW.' _

_Asked Mrs Hudson? No!_

_'she is not in…_

_SH.'_

_''well no…she isn't our house keeper._

_JW.'_

_I know this already john…_

_'exactly! How could I of asked her then?_

_SH.'_

_'so you remembered?_

_Am I supposed to be impressed?_

_JW.'_

_'Yes…you were. :l _

_SH.'_

_I felt myself feel low at this point, god I hate emotions._

_'oh…well…this is awkward._

_JW.'_

_No shit John. I shook my and replied as I poured the hot water._

_'Its sitting by the skull. Im in the bedroom so you can have your piece._

_SH.'_

_'the bedroom? You mean your bedroom?_

_JW.'_

_WHY DID I PUT 'THE'?_

_'Yes. Yes that's what I meant._

_SH.'_

_'since when do you mistake your words?_

_JW.'_

_No, john is catching on with that brilliant mind of his._

_'I don't. im just distracted. That is all._

_SH.'_

_Technically im not lying._

_'even when distracted Sherlock, you don't mess up your words._

_JW.'_

_'uh…John. I'll see you later then. I'm in MY bedroom._

_SH.'_

_'you'll see me in your room?! What?_

_JW.'_

_'no no no! I'll be in my room. I'll see you later when you come back._

_SH.'_

_Why would he think I was implying my room? _

_'I am back. Didn't you hear the door go?_

_JW.'_

_I got up off my bed and walked into the front room, leaving my door open as Annie had fallen asleep in there. _

_''oh, hello.'' I smiled smally at him._

_''Sherlock,'' he pulled a straight face, ''it's worrying that you didn't hear me come in. I could have been anyone!'' he sat down._

_I laughed to myself, ''I would be able to tell if someone broke in.''_

_I went and sat down opposite him, trying to deduct him but he snapped his fingers to stop me, _

_'oh yeah, of course you would because you're always right.''_

_What does he mean 'always right'?_

_''i…'' I shook my head, ''did you find the coffee?''_

_''woah! Did I silence the mighty Sherlock? Yes. It didn't exactly take a genius to find it.''_

_I squinted my eyes at him, he kept effecting me more and more, it started to bother me. _

_''no. did you look in the fridge? I went shopping. Be careful of the thumbs.''_

_''Yes Sherlock. And no, I ate with Sarah so I had no need to look in the fridge. Congratulations on leaving the house though.''_

_I looked down, ''I did go shopping… but I ordered it online. Thanks though.'' I smirked and looked at the wall._

_''still, congratulations on doing something. No doubt it's the first and the last time you'll do the shopping.'' He took a sip of his coffee._

_I shrugged and replied, ''maybe. I suppose you'll just have to see.''_

_''makes no difference to me, I eat out with Sarah most nights anyway.''_

_Doesn't he think I don't know this?_

_''I know…I've noted your absence.'' _

_''you've noted my absence because you've noticed the peace.'' He laughed to himself and looked away._

_''no, its not because of that actually.''_

_I wonder if he will ever realise?_

_''boredom then?''_

_''nope.''_

_''nobody to drag out to stupid places then.'' He rolled his eyes and set down his coffee._

_''there has been no cases lately john…can we just change the subject?''_

_I started to feel uncomfortable._

_''im no detective. If you really want.''_

_There was silence for about ten minutes before I thought of something to say._

_''how was your date?''_

_''a lot better seen as how you didn't gate crash it and nearly get us killed this time.''_

_''okay…well…that's good I suppose.'' My tone, dull._

_''don't sound happy for me will you'' he rolled his eyes and went back to looking at the magazine he recently picked up._

_'' I am!''_

_''done lie Sherlock!'' he looked at me from over the magazine, like he was doing his own deductions._

_''im…not.'' I tried to say in my 'happy' tone._

_''yes you are. I know you don't like her.''_

_''ive said nothing of sort.'' Which is true._

_''you don't need to. The way you'll try and rush her out of the apartment and glare at her in silence if she is around.'' Okay, I do, do that._

_''her mind is annoying.''_

_''you don't even talk to her!'' his voice raised a little._

_''she is your girlfriend, not mine!''_

_''nobody has said she is my girlfriend Sherlock!''_

_''she certainly seems to think so. Deductions john. Deductions.''_

_''oh yeah, that's why I sleep on the sofa at her's then?''_

_''you sleep on the sofa? I though…nothing.''_

_This lifted my spirit a little, I always thought he slept in her bed._

_''yes, I do. You and your ingenious mind should have been able to figure that out.''_

_''no. sorry. I didn't.'' which was true. I mentally slapped myself._

_''so you didn't notice I limp when I come home and I am always rubbing my neck? I thought you were observant?'' _

_Of course I had noticed the neck rubbing. He was hurting, if he was hurt, I would always notice._

_''you don't limp! And I noticed the neck rub. Of course I did.''_

_''yes I do! It's just not overly noticeable. If you'd noticed the neck rub, surely you'd presumed I had slept on the sofa?''_

_''No. John, what are you doing?'' I say as he gets up and pulls a gun from underneath his armchair, and starts shooting the wall._

_''what does it look like?'' he says after firing once._

_''but my gun is in my room!''_

_''I have my own one. Did I not mention that?''_

_''no!''_

_''its not yours, it's the same gun I used to save your life. I'm ex-military, of course I have a gun.''_

_''so you admit it was you!'' I get up and stand next to you._

_''I never denied it.'' He shoots again._

_''you never admitted it. What's the time john? '' I asked as I flop back down in my arm chair, in which john does the same._

_'' you never gave me the chance too. Its half eight.''_

_''Thankyou. John?''_

_''yes Sherlock…''_

_''are you serious about your new…girlfriend…whatever her name is.''_

_''her name is sarah,'' john raised an eyebrow at me, ''and I have told you, she is not my girlfriend…yet…I don't know. I cant predict the future Sherlock.''_

_''do you want it to be serious?'' I needed to know._

_''I don't know…'' he trailed off._

_''oh.'' Hmm… "I thought you would.''_

_''why?''_

_Shit, ''no reason…''_

_''blatant lie.'' _

_''prove it.'' I smirked at him._

_''you said 'uh' and hesitated. So you wanted to say something but didn't. why?'' good deduction john._

_''no reason.''_

_Nope, I cant tell him._

_''again, a lie.'' He's getting better at this._

_''good deductions john.'' I smiled smally and sat back._

_''im picking up on your mistakes Sherlock, I doubt you want to thank me for that.'' He also sat back in his chair._

_''mistakes. Shmakes.'' I waved him off._

_He just tutted at me and looked away. _

_I sighed and began my sentence, ''look…joh-'' he cut me off._

_''you want to finish the sentence but you wont. Fear is my bet. You don't want to hear the response.''_

_Blimey, he is getting good._

_''I do not feel fear john. What would I have to be scared off?''_

_''you tell me Sherlock. You're the one not finishing your sentences.''_

_''just forget it john.'' I got up out of my seat and started walking to my room when john replied;_

_''not a chance. Spit it our Sherlock, nothing usually stops you from saying what you want to say.''_

_I closed my eyes and sighed, I quickly muttered, ''johnilikeyou.''_

_''wow! You are finally you are finally admitting you can have friends?'' he started clapping behind._

_I sighed once more, ''not like that john.'' And moved towards my door, stopping just before I opened it, ''im going to bed john.''_

_''you don't sleep.''_

_''I know.'' And I pushed through the door._

_''what are you getting at Holmes?'' he pushed his way through the door, just as I sat on my bed._

_''Watson, I already told you. Do. Your. Deductions.''_

_''I do everything else around here! Just spit it out Sherlock!'' he put his arms in the air in a frustrated way._

_I hate feeling like this, its all new, I don't like it._

_''john, I cant say it. Just please, you know im not good with 'emotions'.'' _

_He opened the bedroom door fully and stepped in, ''then its time to learn.''_

_''learn what?'' I furrowed my eyebrows._

_''deductions Sherlock, use your deductions.''_

_''im…im confused John.''_

_''ive confused the mighty Sherlock?'' he smirked, ''its time to learn to be good with emotions.'' He took a step forward._

_I looked up at him, ''john, what?''_

_''what were you going to say Sherlock?''_

_''ive told you already! You just took it in the wrong context.'' I flopped backwards on to my bed so I was lying down. _

_''so tell me again.''_

_''I cant.''_

_''oh something Sherlock cant do? Suppose I might as well go to bed then! Goodnight!'' _

_My eyes flew open and I sat up, I got up and grabbed his shoulders._

_ ''no! don't!''_

_''why? You never usually stop me. Its been a long day Sherlock.''_

_I sighed and closed my eyes once more, I felt him turn around and face me. ''johnilikeyou.''_

_''so you have said! I like you too Sherlock. I think we will be great friends! Night!'' he walked out and went to close the door. I sighed and went after him again._

_''John!'' he stops walking but I didn't realise and I started to fall._

_''what?'' he says as he catches me. ''you're so clumsy.''_

_I sighed once more, I seem to be doing a lot of that, ''john…''_

_He helped me stand straight, ''im tired Sherlock, get on with it.''_

_''I…'' I looked him in the eye, ''I LIKE you.'' I looked inbetween his eyes, he didn't say anything, ''john?'' I furrowed my eyebrows._

_I closed my eyes in defeat, scared of what he would do when I felt his hand upon my cheek, I reacted instantly and leaned into it, ''john?''_

_''use your deduction skills.''_

_I frowned and studied him. His cheeks were reddening. I could feel his pulse speeding. His hand was slightly sweaty and he had a slight curve of the mouth indic_

_indicating a smile._

_''you?'' I smile smally at him._

_''well done Sherlock.'' he smiles back at me._

_Suddenly, I felt doubt, people never felt this way about me, I was weird to them, so I turned away. ''no john, don't lie to me.'' I turned around into my bedroom and closed the door behind me._

_I sat down on my bed as my door slammed open, ''well for someone who can pick out everyone else's emotions, you're not very good at it, are you.''_

_''no! ive told you this" ive never been good with emotions!''_

_''wrong! You've never been good with your own emotions.''_

_'' I know! Look john, if you're just going to stand there, then please go. I don't like the emotions I'm experiencing.'' I looked away, but there was still silence, ''I haven't upset you, have i?''_

_''no Sherlock, you haven't upset me, of course you haven't.''_

_''john, I don't understand.''_

_''what is there to understand?'' _

_''I told you im not good with emotions, im trying to deduct but I cant.''_

_''oh, you don't get it, do you?'' he smiled smally at me._

_''oh…well…erm, I feel the same.'' He closed his eyes._

_I smiled and stood up, ''you do?''_

_''would I say it otherwise?''_

_''no, I suppose not.''_

_''you're so stupid sometimes Sherlock.'' he started laughing._

_My face dropped, ''I forgive you for that.'' I looked back at the bed. ''do you?'' I nodded towards it._

_''erm…well…'' he looked down at the floor._

_''im…sorry.'' I shook my head and turned away._

_''no!'' I turn around and I am hit by john, his soft lips kiss me hard, I feel his hands roam through my hair. I have no idea where to put mine so I just wrap them around him, it felt normal. As he kisses me more, I start to feel my body react in a way its never done to anyone. Its new, but he quickly pulls back, I feel disappointment flood through me._

_''wait,'' he shook his head. ''you're married to your work. If there is going to be no time for us, then what's the point in this?''_

_''john please,'' I smiled, ''its you, then work.''_

_''you love your work too much Sherlock. Don't say something you done mean. Please, I was let down enough in the army, I cant take it from you aswel.'' He closed his eyes._

_''I love my work John, but there are some…people i…love more John.'' Yep. I said it. Love. Crap. ''and by people, I mean one person. John.''_

_''don't.'' he started to push me away._

_''john…i…'' I needed to tell him._

_''don't Sherlock.'' he shook his head._

_''please don't make me say it.''_

_''it only causes pain and hurt, don't say it.''_

_John, I would never want to hurt you, ''john, I love you.'' _

_''I've been let down by too many people that have said those words. Please don't say them again.'' Harry. She has hurt him before._

_''Im not going to hurt you, '' I cup his face, ''please john, this is hard for me, don't make it harder.''_

_''they all say that Sherlock. please try and understand.''_

_''goddamn it john, I do. I understand. But im not going to hurt you, trust me.''_

_''I don't know…''_

_''please John…'' I feel something come over me, my vision blurs and this thing comes over me, causing a sort of sob noise to escape me. I try to blink away the blurriness but it causes tears to escape._

_''please don't cry Sherlock.'' john walks forward and kissed the escape tear. _

_''no john, you didn't believe me.'' I regained control again and started pushing these emotions aside._

_'' do you think this is easy for me? After everything ive had to go through to get here?''_

_''no, but do you think this is easy for me? This is…new for me.''_

_''oh and this is everyday stuff for me, is it?'' he raised an eyebrow._

_''you go on dates john.''_

_''no, I don't. Only these couple with Sarah. You just presume that they are.''_

_''because I was jealous.''_

_''but why?'' he furrowed his eyebrows._

_''ive told you. John…please.''_

_''I don't know what you expect from me Sherlock.''_

_I feel the surge of emotions wash over me, im not functioning properly, ''I don't want to argue anymore john. I want to you be yours john. Goodnight.'' I turn away and feel another tear escape. I get into bed and face the other way. _

_''goodnight Sherlock.'' I hear him say. I expect him to go to his room, but I hear the door close and him get in with me. I feel him close to my back._

_''I love you.'' I whisper. I don't know if he heard or not._

_I feel a kiss planted on my head and him come into my back closer, ''you never needed to be jealous…I was never anyone's but yours.''_

_''really?''_

_''of course.'' I hear him whisper._

_''what about all these different women?''_

_''they were just friends, that's all they ever were. You just didn't know that.''_

_''john?'' I turn and face him in the bed, ''say it, please. I know you do.'' I look him in the eye._

_''I cant.''_

_'please john.''_

_''don't make me say something im not ready to say.'' He looked down, I could see he was becoming more and more down yet I decided to keep persisting him._

_''please.'' I kiss him on the forehead, ''please.'' I kiss him on the cheek, I go to kiss him on the other cheek but he turns from me._

_''I cant say it. I wont say it! Not until im ready.''_

_I look down, feeling guilty. Eurgh emotions. ''okay.'' I turn the other way, giving him his privacy._

_''im sorry.'' I whisper. I wait for a reaction but don't get one, so I say it slightly louder._

_I listen, he's pretending to be asleep. ''deduciton john, your breathing isn't heavy enough. I know your awake. ''_

_''Sherlock, deduction. If you knew I was awake, surely you figured out I want to sleep and not talk right now?''_

_I close my eyes. ''okay.'' I turn to face him and bury my head in his back and feel myself drift off to sleep._

_Later that night, I rolled over and felt an empty space, my eyes flew open as I realised john wasn't there._

_''john?'' I call out. I stand up and realise that im really hot. I take off my shirt and put it on the chair before walking into the front room, he notices me straight away._

_''hey, you should be sleeping.'' He smiles up to me, then looks back at the laptop._

_''so should you''_

_''I knew I'd forgotten something so I couldn't sleep.'' He nods towards the laptop._

_''oh, okay. Well, you know where I am.''_

_'' I know, in our bedroom. But you don't have to go.''_

_''I don't?'' _

_''no, why would you?''_

_''I just thought you wanted some peace.''_

_''unlike you, I can multitask.'' He stars to laugh and I join in._

_''would you like some coffee?''_

_''did you remember to buy milk earlier?''_

_''yes.'' I smirk._

_''then I'll have hot milk, please. Otherwise I wont be able to sleep.'' I nod and soon make the milk, bringing it too him._

_''what are you writing?'' I say as I rest my head on top of his._

_''writing my blog. My therapist said to do it everyday. She seems to think its going to help my trust issues…''_

_I mutter trust issues under my breath, ''ooh okay. How comes ive not seen you do it everyday for the past couple of months?''_

_''yes Sherlock, trust issues. Ive never done it in front of you. I do it when I go to bed usually.''_

_''I know about your trust issus john. I do listen.'' I smirk._

_''oh you do? Is that before or after you start thinking about something of little importance?'' I hear the smirk in his voice._

_''before. You're never of little importance to me.''_

_''well isn't the heartless detective going all mushy.'' He laughs._

_''I was never hearless john, I just didn't experience emotion.''_

_''that's the same thing Sherlock.''_

_''its not. If I didn't have a heart, I would of never fell for you.''_

_''touché.''_

_''john, come back to bed please. Its 3 in the morning. you can do it in the morning.''_

_'' I cant, I need to finish it. It wont take me long.''_

_''can I stay like this until you have finished?''_

_''yeah, ive only got a paragraph left to write anyway.''_

_''okay.''_

_Ten minutes later and john gets up, ''see, I told you it wouldn't take long. Come on, you need your sleep.''_

_I smile and put out my hand, he takes it and uses the other one to cover his yawn._

_''come on john.'' I lead him to the bedroom._

_''arent you hot in that?'' I say as I look at his full body cotton pj's._

_I watch as he takes off his top, finding it difficult not to look at him._

_''usually no, but its warmer in here sleeping with you.''_

_''body heat john, body heat.'' I say as I open the window._

_''well I figured that out.''_

_I smiled to myself as I felt him next to me as I drifted off to sleep._

_I awoke the next morning and John was already up, I took off the rest of my pj's and wrapped my sheet around myself as I often did when John was not home in the mornings. I shuffled into the front room to see John reading the paper and a cup of tea in his hand. He looked up and smiled at me._

_''Whats this doing back on?'' I nodded towards his pj top._

_''I wasn't going to walk around the apartment topless Sherlock.'' he raised an eyebrow. _

_''Why not? I walk around in my sheet.'' I smiled smally and sat down opposite him. _

_''Im not you Sherlock. What if Mrs Hudson comes in?''_

_''She wont!'' I smirked._

_He just rolled his eyes and carried on with his reading. Bored, I decided to tease him. _

_''John, im going to take a shower.'' I smirked._

_''Okay…'' he said, still looking at his paper. _

_''Feel free to join me.'' I said as I stood up, walked a few paces towards the bathroom and dropped my sheet in the front room, before carrying on into the bathroom.*_

I woke drenched in sweat. It had been years since I had that dream. It was confusing and jumbled in my head. It had changed slightly, adding Annie into the dream. I shook my head and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, head in hands, trying to control my breathing so a certain 'pest' would go back down.

I hated it, this feeling in my chest, I hated it. Emotions where all I could feel around John. I found it hard and difficult. I shook my head, took a cold shower and walked into the front room. It had almost been 18 months since Annie's birth, since the death of Mary. Every day was a better day for John. He was more like his old self, the one he knew before his fall. The only difference being that John had a child and he didn't come on cases anymore. He came on one or two over the months, with Mrs Hudson babysitting; but John always worried something would happen.

I got a cup of tea ready and noticed John wasn't up. I frowned and put down my cup of tea. I quietly made my way upstairs so I could collect Annie so she wouldn't wake up John. I slowly opened his door and peered in. I could see his sleeping form in his bed, and a cooing Annie in her cot. I smiled and made my way over to the cot and bent down to pick her up. I just got her past the top of her cot when John started to mumble in his sleep.

I bought Annie closer to me and listened as John's mumbling got louder. I could tell he was still sleeping as his chest rose and fell slowly. I started to admire sleeping John when I froze,

''Sherlock'' John mumbled. My head snapped up and looked at his face, he was still asleep.

''Sherlock, don't leave.'' Me muttered again.

My body refused to move as John carried on, ''mori…no. Mary please. Don't jump.''

My body quickly turned into overdrive and I started to back out the room. I closed the door behind me and made my way back down stairs. I sat Annie in her chair and proceeded to make her breakfast while pondering on what John was saying.

I knew he still had bad dreams about Mary, that was obvious, but jump? Im assuming that was about my jump. Mori was Moriarty- he was having flashbacks. I shook my head as I started to help feed the smiling, babbling baby in front of me.

Why was he having flashbacks all these years later? It was many years ago. I shook my head, I didn't understand my emotions, let alone others.

Thirty minutes later, Annie was on the floor, playing with some of her toys when John slowly made his way down the stairs, yawning as he done so.

''Morning.'' was all he managed to say as he proceeded to make himself a coffee. As he put the kettle on boil, he sat down in his armchair, rubbing his eyes.

''John.''

''yes Sherlock?'' he manage to say as he leant back in his chair.

''Do you remember your dreams from your sleep? Any of them?'' I raised an eyebrow and rested my head on my hands.

John's eye's grew wide as Sherlock asked the question, ''no. why?'' he answered all too quickly. Did he think I wouldn't take notice of these things?

''because when I went to get Annie-so she wouldn't wake you up- you where muttering somethings.''

John froze, ''what things?''

''my name, Mary's name, what I assume was Moriarty's name and 'don't jump.' I think you were having flashbacks.''

I saw John's body relax a little as I said these words, obviously he is hiding something. ''I remember something of the sort. I remember seeing both you and Mary on top of Barts, but that is.'' He squinted as if trying to remember more.

When people remember something and dream it, it often means that this person hates that memory, and if the person they love is in danger, they often picture them in the scene, so I was already in the scene, so if he added Mary, it means he didn't want her in danger.

Oh John.

Every day was a battle for me, I would never admit it aloud, my pride got in the way, but it is true. I made a vow to protect both John and Mary and the little one, but I failed on Mary behalf. She's not with us now, she's not where she belongs, she belongs with John and her child but there was the selfish part of me, the side I hated. The side that was glad I had john to myself, the side that thought I had a chance with John 'not gay' Watson, when I know, I KNOW I don't. it was a side of me that I truly despised and never wanted to reveal.

''Hmm…tell me if you ever have any more weird dreams.''

John raised his eyebrow, I knew he wouldn't, so that's why later that night, I installed a voice recorder in his room when he was out shopping.

It was now the next morning and John was on a walk with Annie to a nearby park. I took this advantage of being home alone to go through the recording on the tape. I ran to his room, found the tape and bought it back down and went into my room and plugged it into the laptop and pressed play.

I rested my chin in my hand and listened, skipping some minutes before I heard something. John was calling out my name desperately,

''sherlock please don't. please…'' it was almost a whimper from the 40 something man.

Sherlock frowned at the tape, it went quiet for a while before john spoke, ''Mary, I love you. Sherlock.''

I froze, did he just…no, he couldn't of. It was towards Mary, it had to be. That's who it was for. I swallowed this thought down and proceeded to carry on listening but nothing else came out of the tape.

Those words were on my mind for the rest of the day. What did they mean? I needed to think, THINK SHERLOCK. It started to bother me how much it was bothering me. I thought I had supressed those feelings, that they had gone away,

But I suppose you cant stop yourself from being in love with your friend.

I internally winced, I hadn't admitted it before now, I knew, I knew before I jumped, I have known for this long but only had the courage to admit it. I felt something deep in me, but I knew, I knew nothing would ever happen, John was still mourning and he didn't feel that way towards men. I looked up at the clock and saw it was about 11pm, I excused myself and retired to my room, not tired, and knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to sleep with all these thoughts racing through my head.

There were times when I just wished I could be 'average.' That I didn't have to over think everything, maybe I wouldn't be feeling how I feel? That I could just feel emotions without having to panic about the whole situation and access everything, that my chances could be higher-oh I've done my work, I have about a 2.5% chance of ever being with John Watson. I admit, when I had first met 'the woman', I thought I felt something for her. The way she always bothered my mind palace, the way she made me feel, but now I realise she has got nothing on John Watson.

I got into my pyjama bottoms and slid into my bed, I wasn't tired at all but I couldn't be in the same room as John at the moment, the words he had muttered in his sleep, echoed in my head. They had implanted themselves all over my mind palace, even my body felt burned with the words. The logical side of me knew it was for Mary, but the other side couldn't forget them.

I started to get angry at myself, I couldn't ponder on it, I had to push myself away. I had to be myself, the old Sherlock, the Sherlock who didn't 'feel'. It was decided, from tomorrow, I would be him, the man who didn't have friends.

Hesitating at the door, I closed my eyes, being cold to John was going to be harder than expected. I pushed the door open and walked into the kitchen.

''Morning Sherlock.'' John smiled at me as he took a sip of his coffee but just shook his head as simply ignored him and went to the window, facing outwards.

A case, that is what I needed, something to get my mind off this internal battle. I got my phone out of my dressing gown pocket and texted Lestrade to see if there was anything, with luck, something should come up, and it did.

'Double homicide, no clues, no links.

Meet us at the natural history museum.

Greg.'

The natural history museum? That's an odd place for a double homicide. The thought of a serial killer for me to track lifted my mood, I didn't say another word as I went and got dressed, put my coat and scarf on, and walked out the door, leaving a questioning John behind.

I soon arrived at the scene and the first person I found was Davidson.

''where's your little tag along, freak? Got bored did he? I wouldn't blame him, I mean, living with you must be hard enough.''

''next time you want to make a comment like that Davidson, you might want to go home and change into a new shirt, im sure Anderson's wife wouldn't appreciate it on you, she'd prefer it on her husband.'' I said mockingly as I made my way under the police tape and entered the large museum.

''What is it then?'' I said as I made my way over to George, or it is Gregory?

''double homicide, no links, no connections, completely different backgrounds, nothing. That's why we called you.'' he looked behind me, ''where's John?'' he raised an eyebrow.

''Oh… he's busy with Annie'' I gave him my fake smile and walked over to the bodies that were placed by the largest oak tree cutting at the very top of the stairs while putting on rubber gloves.

The first one was a male, the age of about 28. He had tanned skin and dark hair. He was lying on his front but his head was facing towards the female next to him. He had recently been on mud by the state of his shoes, and his suit told me that he was either in business or that he would be going on a date, it looked like more of a date as his hair had been combed back-different to how he usually had it. I could tell as I could see a small compact mirror poking out the edge of his suit pocket. He has been nervous, I pulled up the back of his blazer, he had sweat stains in the central part of his back, minor, but still there.

''does he have a phone?'' I asked someone behind me, not caring who it was.

''Yes.'' He passed the phone-it was unlocked, not married or had a girlfriend, defiantly a date. ne

I checked his recent calls, there were none. I frowned, surely a man would of made calls to at least one person. Okay, that means he had been hiding something.

''Lestrade, found out what phone company this man was on, and track his recent calls.'' I heard a faint okay and I decided there was nothing more to deduce about this man. The other detectives already knew who he was and where he came from.

Now the female, they had nothing on her. The female was of similar age but she was blonde and her hair was in a tight bun on the crown of her head. She had a rain mac on but it hadn't been raining. Her nails were fake and she had heels on, but her feet looked red, an indication that she was uncomfortable in the shoes. Presuming she was his date, it would make sense.

''did she have a phone?''

I heard a few no's behind me, so I bent down and decided to take a look for myself. I searched her outside pockets, nothing. I felt the side of her jacket for an inside pocket and found the phone, I asked if it was okay If I went inside the jacket and I was given permission too. I managed to get the phone out, which was also unlocked and checked the recent calls. There was only one call made and that was a person called Geoff.

''Anderson, find out who Geoff is and if he has a connection too Louise and Freddie.'' I stood back up and took my gloves off.

''who's Louise?''

''the girl, it had her name written on the label of her coat. If only someone looked, they would have known.'' People always just don't find the obvious. I rolled my eyes and handed him the gloves, flipping up my collar as I walked back into the street and hailed a cab to get back home.

''Where did you get off to earlier?'' John asked as I walked back in.

I looked at him and gave him a blank expression, ''there was a case.'' I shrugged and put down my coat and scarf.

''oh…'' he frowned, ''why wasn't I invited?'' he shook his head as he leant against the kitchen chair.

''Annie.'' I pointed towards the sleeping tot in the play pen, ''someone had to look after her.''

''Mrs Hudson doesn't mind looking after her, she loves it actually.''

I just rolled my eyes and went to my room, hoping John wouldn't bother me with anymore of his questions.

This went on for a few more weeks, I only emerged if I had work to do, a case or I got bored and decided to do an experiment. John would try and start a conversation, but after the third week, he had seemed to give up. It was now on the fourth week of blocking my emotions (which successfully I had) when I started to notice something different about John, he had become paler again, he looked tired and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked slightly gaunt, and the emotions I had managed to suppress, I could feel the crawling back, like a slow tide on a winter's morning.

I pulled back from the fridge as I bought out the eye specimens from the bottom draw of the fridge and proceeded to dissect them when John came in the room.

''Sherlock.'' was all he said.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him standing at the end of the table, his back straight in a military stance. I ignored him and got my scalpel from the high cupboard behind me.

''Sherlock.'' John said in a more aggressive tone.

I slowly turned my head towards him, ''John.'' I said slowly.

''I need to talk to you.'' I inwardly sighed, I knew this conversation would come up eventually, I just thought it would have been sooner.

I took of my gloves and put down my scalpel, (Annie was out with Mrs Hudson, she had taken her to the zoo. She never had kids so she took this opportunity). I followed John into the front room and sat opposite him in my arm chair. I rested my head on my pyramid formed hands, and John cocked his head to the right, crossing his legs. He was trying to deduce me.

''John you won't be able to deduce me, there is no point in trying.'' I said in a deep tone.

He narrowed his eyes at me, ''Sherlock,'' he coughed and got comfortable again, ''have I done something wrong?''

I felt my heart speed up, yes, he had, he made me fall for him, a man who never felt, he made me feel.

''no John, why would you ever think that?'' I gave him my fake smile and went to get up.

''sit back down.'' He used his authority voice, one that always struck me. I sat back down and looked at him again.

''I know that's your fake smile Sherlock, I've known you for over 5 years, I may not be able to deduce you, but I can tell when you're lying.'' He raised an eyebrow.

''John, really, you haven't.'' I shook my head slightly.

''Then why, for the past month, have you been bloody ignoring me?'' his voice was raised slightly, his face had started to deepen in colour and his pupils dilated, a sign on hatred.

I hadn't realised how long this had gone on for, what do I say? Obviously I didn't want to admit the truth, so I shall say its an experiment, that's what it technically is, I'm not lying.

''it was for an experiment.'' I blanked my face.

''an experiment for what Sherlock?'' he face screwed up, he started to get really angry.

''to see how you would react.'' I suppose that was also the truth. I took advantage of the silence coming from the man in front of me and stood up and hurried off into my room, closing the door behind me.

I hadn't been sat down on my bed for 20 seconds before John slammed the door open,

''what do you bloody mean, to see how I would react?'' he raised an eyebrow and stood at the foot of my bed, throwing his arms out.

''nothing John. Now if you wouldn't mind leaving, I need to read something.''

''no, I am not leaving until we sort this out! Sherlock, why have you been ignoring me for the past month? Have I don't something wrong?''

Before I could control what my mouth said, a whispered 'no' escaped. I froze and refused myself to look up at John.

''no? what do you mean, no? why have you froze? Sherlock, is there something you're not telling me?''

Yes, ''no.''

''Then what the hell is it?'' his voice was raised more now, this made my head snap and I looked at him in the eye.

''its me John. Its me. If you want to not do this, then I suggest you leave my room.''

''you know what, Sherlock, I think I will, I think I'm going to move back out. I can't stay here anymore with you being like this.'' He went to turn around and walk out of the room.

He couldn't leave, not now, not ever, he couldn't leave me. ''No!'' I shouted after him.

John stopped in his tracks, without turning around, he carried on, ''why not.''

It was almost like he knew, like he knew what I didn't want to say.

''I don't know John!''

He turned around slowly, ''there must be a reason Sherlock, or you wouldn't have replied so quickly.'' John was getting good at this.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, ''because John…you just cant.''

I could feel the anger and frustration towards the man in front of me building up and starting to boil.

''Well Sherlock, if you don't give me a reason, then I will have to leave.''

''For gods sake John!'' I shouted, ''you cant leave because I fucking love you. THERE, I said it.'' The anger spilled out into my words and I shoved past him, needing to pace, '' You make me feel these things, things that I spent years blocking out, then you turn up into my life and all that hard work was wasted. You make me FEEL john and I don't like it.'' I pointed to my chest, '' I spent the past month trying to block you out of my head, out of my chest and out of me. It was hard, I was doing it for mine and your sake. It wouldn't benefit the both of us, but I couldn't. I couldn't. do you know why? Because you're stuck there, inside my head, refusing to leave. Commenting when I go on a case, telling me what there is and telling me what is wrong with the body. You're telling me to sleep, to eat, to make sure I'm fit enough like you always do. You implanted yourself into my mind and you wont leave. I see you every day, being the man that I could never be. A dad to your daughter who loves you like no other, the man I aspire to be, the man who I could never be, because I am Sherlock Holmes, the man who doesn't feel, and when he does, gets scared and runs away.'' I could feel a pressure of my shoulders as I sat down on the sofa with my head in my hands.

Never in all my life had I expressed emotions towards someone, and know, I have just admitted to John Watson all of this.

I felt his body sit next to mine on the left of me, he hadn't said anything, he just sat there for what seemed about half an hour, his eyes burning into me when finally he said something,

''Sherlock, look at me.'' His tone was soft- a good sign.

I sighed and took my hands away from my face and turned my head towards him, not saying a word.

''How long?'' he furrowed his eyebrows ever so slightly. I just shook my head in confusion, ''how long since you…'' he paused, ''started to feel.''

Was he really asking me this question? I found this difficult enough without the interrogation, ''before the st Barts.'' He knew what I meant, so there was no need to say any more.

I found it difficult looking at him, my heart pace started to speed up and I started to feel nervous, only John could make me feel nervous. I closed my eyes and sighed, he wasn't going to say anything.

''look, John, if you don't mind, im finding this incredibly awkward enough a...s it is, if you wouldn't mind, im going to go to my room.'' I nodded and went to stand up.

''just…stand still for a moment please. Im trying to process it all.'' He stood up and frowned, he faced me but I couldn't read the emotion on his was only when I felt his hot breath on my face, causing flashes through my body, did I realise how close he was.

''John…ple-'' but I was cut off by warmth on my lips.

John Watson was kissing me, John bloody Watson was kissing me,

And it felt good.

I froze for a second but soon reacted, I let him take control and he kissed me gently, he closed the gap between us and put his hands on my back, trapping me between him. I bit down on his lower lip and took the advantage of his gasp to invade his mouth. My tongue with dancing with his, it felt right, it felt like I should have been doing this for years. The kiss was just starting to heat up when he pulled away. His lips had gone all puffy and he shook his head.

''im…im sorry Sherlock.'' he quickly said before turning around and running up to his room.

Well that didn't go as I expected. I started to evaluate the situation but came up with two conclusions, the past month had been a waste, and that John was terribly confused. All I could feel was a tingling sensation on my lips, where John's lips had been just moments ago.

I went and sat down on the arm chair, and only moved when Mrs Hudson came home three hours later with Annie. I thanked Mrs Hudson and took Annie off her. She has asked if everything was alright, sensing the awkward atmosphere that still lingered in the room.

Annie was now a babbling baby and could say a few words, one of them being dad, another being shlock. It was no surprise that John got angry at me when Annie's first word was Shlock. Obviously he had wanted it to be dad, but saying one's name over and over again to a baby seemed like a logical experiment that proved correct.

I took her to her highchair and began making her food, since there was no sign of John, I realised that we hadn't got much food in, I knew John wasn't going to go shopping, so it was down to me.

I hurriedly put on my scarf and coat, turning up the collars and went downstairs to Mrs Hudson, asking her if she could look after Annie again for just an hour as I went to a local shop for a basic shop, she politely agreed and I made a mental note to buy her some flowers for all she had done today.

An hour later, I stumbled through the door with more shopping than I thought was needed, I could hear John and Mrs Hudson talking in her kitchen, so I made my way upstairs and un packed quickly, wanting to give Mrs Hudson her flowers. I heard John still talking to Mrs Hudson, so I made my way down the stairs quietly, careful not to make a noise. I stood behind the wall near the door, careful not to be seen, and listened.

''I don't know what to do Mrs Hudson, im confused.''

''Well John, moving on is a hard thing.''

''it is. I just feel like im cheating on Mary, feeling this way towards Sherlock, its confusing, I feel like im betraying Mary. I never got closure, never got time to say goodbye.''

'' I know it does dear, I know. But what would Mary want, she would want you to be happy, she would want you to move on. Isnt that right dear?''

''I suppose, but it feels to soon. I know it was just over a year and a half ago, but it feels like days ago, yet when I kissed Sherlock, it felt like the days before he jumped, when it was just the both of us.''

''isnt that a good thing dear?''

''I don't know. I don't want to forget Mary, she was a big part of my life, she helped me through Sherlock's death, even if it was fake.''

''you wont forget Mary, but you need to do what is right if you love Sherlock. You cant keep confusing him, you know what he's like.''

Love, Mrs Hudson had said love, did that mean that John loves..?

I couldn't listen anymore, I left the flowers leaning against the wall and made my way back up. He felt like he was betraying Mary. I shook my head, not knowing what to do, I made myself a coffee sat in my arm chair with my knees against my chest, trying to figure everything out.

An hour later, John appeared back upstairs with a sleeping Annie in his arms, he smiled at me and turned the corner to put Annie to bed. He returned five minutes later.

''How are you.'' I asked him without looking at him.

''im…fine. You?'' I could hear the nervousness in his voice.

''fine.'' I replied back, still not looking at him, ''what were you talking to Mrs Hudson about?'' I finally summoned the courage to look at him, he was making himself dinner.

''do you want some?'' I shook my head, ''nothing, just general chit chat.'' He smiled.

I nodded and went back to my thinking space, trying to remember if we still had any of Mary's stuff, when I remembered something. I gasped and jumped out of my seat, walking quickly to my room and hunting for a box that I had hidden away when she had passed. It was a box John had kept, but didn't want, so I took it, in case he ever wanted to look. I found it at the back of my wardrobe and pulled it out and picked it up. I carried it into the front room and placed it in the middle of the floor.

''What's that?'' John frowned.

''It was Mary's private things. You found the box when you moved back, but didn't want it. I kept it in case you ever needed it, I think now is the appropriate time.'' I smiled at him and sat back as he walked over towards it. He pulled on it and sat down next to me on the sofa and started to go through it.

In the box where some documents, pictures, a few old precious things, but right at the bottom was a letter addressed to John. He frowned and picked it up.

''do you know what this is?'' he frowned, asking me.

I shook my head and watched as he slid his finger underneath the seal and took the letter out and started to read aloud;

_John,_

_If you are reading this, then unfortunately I have passed._

_Im writing this letter currently because I want you to know the full me, plus some other things that I needed to tell you._

_My name is Mary Watson, but my birth name was Annie Louise Graves- (im guessing you know now why I wanted the name Annie). I was born in Southampton and at the age of sixteen, I became friends with the wrong crowd, they made me do things…things I never wanted to do…my family were poor as my dad's business was robbed and everything was stolen, my mum's job was paying enough, and I felt the duty to help my family._

_So in return for robbing places, I got paid. As time progressed, the demands got worse, but the higher the money was. They told me I had to train as an assassin for them, I wanted to back out, I didn't want to kill, but I needed to, if I wanted my family to keep their heads above water. _

_So I went over to America…''_

John carried on reading, he started to get chocked up as he found out about Mary's true past, when he came to the end of the letter, my name was mentioned;

''_…now John, I know you, you will find it hard after my passing, but for me and Annie, be happy, move on. I know you love Sherlock, you always have and I accepted that because I love you. I know Sherlock loves you, I can read him and I can read you. The way you look at each other, its beautiful._

_All I want for you now John is to be happy._

_Could you do that for me?_

_Give Sherlock my love, and I hope you love him as much as I love you._

_Give my love to Annie, and don't let her forget me._

_Thankyou John for forgiving me, for loving me and for giving me a second chance. You were the light that I needed, but now it is Sherlock's turn to be your light._

_Don't forget how much I love you John._

_Goodbye John Watson.''_

John dropped the letter into the box, I could see he had started to tremble, I didn't know what to do, so I don't the only thing I could think of, and interlaced my hand with his. I was scared he would pull away.

''John…'' he looked up at me. ''are youokay?''

He shook his head ever so slightly, ''I am, actually.'' He smiled smally and looked at me.

''good.'' I smiled back.

''thank you… Sherlock. I know you heard my conversation with Mrs Hudson. Thankyou…this is what I needed. Its…closure…and now I can move on.'' He smiled up at me.

My insides started to churn with nerves. ''john…i…about earlier.'' I grimaced.

''Sherlock, I made a mistake.'' My whole body felt like I had just been his by a bulldozer, he regrets kissing me…sadness washed over me in waves when John started laughing.

''what?'' I frowned.

''You! always thinking the worst of situations! I don't regret kissing you, I regret pulling away you idiot.'' He chuckled.

''oh.'' I smiled down to him.

I realised I had never really appreciated John's features until now, he was a sight. The air turned think as I leant closer to john. I was so close, that I could see myself in John's widely dilated pupils. John closed the gap between us and our mouths interlocked.

We were here in this moment, and I knew we had many more moments to come.

I was his, and he was mine. For he was the only one I had ever loved, the only man I would ever love.

Only John.

* * *

_A/N: Hello!_

_so what did you think? _

_this is unbeta'd because i wanted to get it up ASAP._

_I was thinking of maybe writing a sequel to it from John's point of view? or maybe what happens after? but i would do it as another chapter._

_Do you think thats a good idea?_

_If you guys like this johnlock fanfic, please tell me and i'll carry on writing more Johnlock's if that's what you want?_

_Thanks for reading, please review!_

_SlightObsessionnn xx_


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